It sort of is a 'my fears keep me safe.' My Mom came to me for emotional support during and after her divorce from my Dad that she should have gone to an adult for. While there was nothing sexual involved (that I remember) it's something they've discovered has a lot of the same emotional symptoms as sexual abuse. I really wanted her affection, but I was afraid of it because it was hurting me, and I've never solved that problem as an adult. There's a big emotional void in between me and her that I'm only not starting to get through. I'm making progress, which is good. On the other hand, the only real way to discuss it with her is to make her look like some kind of monster when all she was trying to do to keep me and her afloat during very hard times, and I'm not going to dump that on her simply for my own benefit. I have to find a way to get through the barrier without really discussing that openly.

The other problem is that many of the things that are currently causing my emotional blues are things I either don't want her to know about at all, or things she doesn't approve of. There's no way to get sympathy without judgment, and that makes the sympathy not worth it. Any way you slice it real emotional connection with her is very hard to get without her poisoning it somehow. And the fact that it's not deliberate doesn't really change the fact that that's true.

I did an ESM treatment regarding her on guilt and on anger, and both produced some pretty noticeable results. And often when you deal with the major surface feelings you have toward someone, you find out that underneath is something else. I think the next thing for me with her is grief. I haven't done that treatment yet, but my gut feeling is that that's what's going on. Getting past the anger and the guilt has gotten me closer, which rocks, but I think I'm gonna have to get through the grief to take the next step.