Not Getting Laid

[errantember]

With four girlfriends and as many possibilities as I had at Flipside, it's pretty hard to believe I haven't gotten laid for weeks. I've been pondering why, exactly, this is, and while it's complicated, what it really boils down to is this:

I don't trust people to be ok with casual sex.

Almost every decision I made that lead to me turning down obvious interest or failing to follow up on intriguing possibilities boils down to this.

My time is so limited right now, and I'm *still* not getting close to getting everything done. I miss my existing partners, who are all also very busy people. If I could actually have casual but meaningful sexual experience on the side, I would do it. But I absolutely do *not* have time to carry any additional full relationships, and my experience so far makes it very hard to have faith that potential causal partners could keep things casual.

Comments

[emmainfiniti.livejournal.com]

I am glad you posted this. It nails down a concept that I hadn't quite put my finger on, but has been bugging me recently. Even when I feel I have been quite clear that I am only interested in a casual sexual relationship, I often feel pressure to do more "relationship" than I am comfortable with. Sometimes I feel like such a "noob" when it comes to poly - Can I actually have a kind of "casual, but meaningful sex" relationship with someone? Or is that expecting the impossible? On the rare occasion I have found a willingness to have just casual sex, the person has seemed to interpret that as a license to not treat me as a real person (no foreplay, entirely self-centered sex, etc.) I don't want to be his date to the movies or the swinger club and I never want to meet his mom; I just want an evening of food, friendly conversation, flirting, fucking, a little cuddle, then go home. At most, repeating monthly. On the other hand, my BF and I started out as casual sex partners, and the relationship grew mutually; I didn't feel pressured, but the relationship evolved organically over the last 4 years. I can't really complain about lack of sex or opportunities lately, though I didn't *quite* have the rock-star sex I fantasized about at Flipside.=)

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I guess this is where one could say that the other person is responsible for their own experience. If someone offers a casual arrangement,or if you offer a casual arrangement, and everyone agrees to it, and then one person starts getting clingy or needy or freaky, you restate your boundary and either walk or see if the person can hang with it.

If not...I don't see how that's your problem. I'm sorry if that makes me a bad person, but if someone's words and actions aren't matching up, I don't see how that's your problem, except that then you are obligated to be the 'bad guy' by sticking to the original agreement or ending the original agreement when it seems obvious the other person has no intention of sticking to the original agreement.

I like what Emma said about how a FWB can grow into something else over time...but there's a huge difference, IMHO, between mutual deepening of trust and caring and one person pushing/forcing it on the other.

[rkentspeth.livejournal.com]

"I don't trust people to be ok with casual sex."

I was just thinking about this idea recently, interestingly in relation to you. Not that you can't be okay with casual sex, but rather I wondered if you (like me) attract people who want more than you want (or are able) to give.

I hope that made sense!

[errantember.livejournal.com]

Part of the problem is that I'm so in love with letting relationships grow in their own direction. My relationships have gone *so* well since I stopped trying to force them into a specific box. The problem, though, comes when either a) the relationship wants to get bigger than one has time for or b) you find yourself wanting something (like commitment) that defies the organic model. In my experience, almost all my sexual relationships tend to deepen over time. For the most part, my existing partners have been great about this. We'd all like to see each other more often, and we don't always want the same thing at the same time, but overall I'm happy with how they're working.

Flipside has also never really been about sex for me, an more than it's been about inebriates. Both are often part of my Flipside experience, but I went to burn events for years without little or no of one or both. I know a lot of people look forward to Flipside specifically because of the sexual opportunities, but it's never been part of my expectations there.

The whole "great date then go home" model definitely sounds good. Part of my distrust comes from experience, but I'm fairly certain a good part of it is projection, too. If I'm really into someone, it can be difficult for me to handle *them* wanting to keep things causal.

[errantember.livejournal.com]

This is kind of the classic problem of "owning one's own feelings." On one hand, the idea of owning one's own feelings is definitely one of the most important ideas in improving relationships. On the other hand, our actions affect other people, and even if their reaction *should* be their responsibility, I still feel partially responsible for what they're going through. And I still blame people for how I feel, no matter how much I try to own my own feelings.

To put it another way, if I get involved with five people, all with a clear, up-front agreement to keep things casual, and all of them become attached, and then get angry and irrational when I won't give them the time or focus they want and talk about it to others, I still end up being perceived as being the heartbreaking asshole. And while it's really unfair, it's still true. And, for better or for worse, I find myself still kind of agreeing with that judgement.

Maybe at some point I'll actually be able to 100% own my own feelings and expect others to own theirs, but I'm not there yet. :)

[errantember.livejournal.com]

I'm not completely sure I get it. Can you explain more?

There's definitely been a larger pattern of attracting certain kinds of people that really don't work with my personality. My current long-term partners are finally defying this pattern, but previously I attracted a lot of people who were passive-aggressive and had anger and trust issues. Also people who were basically trying poly for me. Since I started mandating that people I get involved with already have long-term poly credentials, it's gotten *way* better.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I understand; it's a lot easier said than done, and other peoples' opinions do count, in a lot of ways, both externally and internally (whether they should or not)

[errantember.livejournal.com]

I also want to mention that I have great sex with all my existing partners on a regular basis, and I'm very grateful to have the "problem" of having more sexual opportunities than I have time for. :)