errantember (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
errantember) wrote2009-04-27 02:19 am
errantember) wrote2009-04-27 02:19 am
Adventures in the Shitsplatter Chalet
While my Mom is physically doing well after the surgery, she's really worried about how things are going to go once I'm gone. She's very overweight and has trouble walking when her feet *haven't* just had surgery, and now she isn't allowed to put any weight on her left foot for six weeks. We've made a lot of progress in setting up the house for her to be able to get around with a wheelchair, and she's been through this entire same process once before, but I can't blame her for being worried. She does have several good friends and neighbors nearby to help her, and I've also decided I'm going to skip out on the last day of PBF to come up and visit her on Mother's Day, but deliberate or not, she's laying a *huge* guilt trip on me. She's the kind of person who deliberately talks clearly and loudly on the phone to the person at the other end within my hearing so put social pressure on me, orders me around rather than making requests (most of the time, she is improving) and passive-aggressively gets angry at me when I don't do things I wasn't able to read from her mind.
Although we've made a lot of progress in the past few years, we still start to get on each other's nerves after about 3 days, and that's when she's healthy and relatively independent. Now not only is she far more helpless than normal, but she's also dealing with a psycho neighbor who has gone so far as to send tree cutters onto my Mom's property because she's upset that the trees are ruining her garden somehow. The trees in question pre-date the existence of the neighbor's house by about 10 years, and the neighbor herself by about 20. The genuine control-freak nature of the neighbor is being amplified by my Mom's General Paranoia (she's being transformed into a Republican by Fox News, which she thinks isn't biased) into a plot to poison her trees. One of them, an old cedar, did just turn brown overnight. I was out in the yard earlier today taking soil samples. I've already refused an order from my Mom to go through the neighbor's garbage to find receipts for "tree poison."
Talking about this online is helpful, because it all seems more genuinely crazy when I have to describe it to others.
So far the worst day was when I was woken up at 5 AM by the dogs whining in the crate because of some kind of gastro-intestinal catastrophe that somehow managed to involve both vomit *and* shit. It was splattered chunkily all over the dogs themselves, the pillows and blankets, and the surrounding floor and walls. I was already stressed out from dealing with my Mom, and hadn't been able to sleep very well. I'd removed the door from my Mom's bedroom, and despite my bleary attempt to block the doorway, a shit-splattered Loki bee-lined into her bed as soon as I let him out of the crate, which is not the sort of indignity my Mom really needs right now. Once I got the crate outside, the floor somewhat cleaned, and the dogs triaged, I went back to bed. I awoke after not enough sleep to the news that my rabbit, Pandora, had died in my absence. I can't claim to actually have *felt* anything because of this, as it's too abstract and non-immediate in light of my other emotional bullshit. I'd just gotten done dosing her twice a day for the last 30 days for a bad head tilt. She initially had seemed a lot better, but near the end was getting worse. I *did* feed her yogurt before and after the antibiotics to re-populate her intestinal flora. I unhappy about not getting to see the body, because I've found it's very therapeutic to cry over the body, and I can't always get to tears if I never see it. I'm sure it will be different for my dogs.
The two major stressors, besides simply being around my Mom in a bad mood, are guilt over not doing enough to help her and discussions about my career change, which we've agreed not to talk about anymore during this visit. Although dealing with the inner reality of these feelings is fucking awful, it's useful because I'm more self-aware than I've ever been before, I can see the dynamics as they happen, and I have a lot of other tools available to help work on myself. I also have a better ability to set boundaries when I need to, and my Mom has some degree of receptiveness. My relationship with my Mom is at the heart of most of my major emotional problems, and getting this kind of point-blank broadside is exactly the kind of thing that makes it easy to locate the specifics of the problem and act. I don't like the crushing guilt, but it sure makes it easy to connect to the feeling to work on with EFT/ESM or RC.
Mom *is* grateful for the help an apologetic about the fact that she needs so much of it, and I'm glad I'm in a position to help her in her time of need. She's busted her ass for me for her entire life, and I'll never be able to repay that debt, which is something I'll have to be ok with.
I'll probably be up here for most of this week, then I'll be coming back to Austin for Poly Big Fun. I'll come back up here for Mother's Day for a day or two, then head back to Austin for Flipside prep.
Although we've made a lot of progress in the past few years, we still start to get on each other's nerves after about 3 days, and that's when she's healthy and relatively independent. Now not only is she far more helpless than normal, but she's also dealing with a psycho neighbor who has gone so far as to send tree cutters onto my Mom's property because she's upset that the trees are ruining her garden somehow. The trees in question pre-date the existence of the neighbor's house by about 10 years, and the neighbor herself by about 20. The genuine control-freak nature of the neighbor is being amplified by my Mom's General Paranoia (she's being transformed into a Republican by Fox News, which she thinks isn't biased) into a plot to poison her trees. One of them, an old cedar, did just turn brown overnight. I was out in the yard earlier today taking soil samples. I've already refused an order from my Mom to go through the neighbor's garbage to find receipts for "tree poison."
Talking about this online is helpful, because it all seems more genuinely crazy when I have to describe it to others.
So far the worst day was when I was woken up at 5 AM by the dogs whining in the crate because of some kind of gastro-intestinal catastrophe that somehow managed to involve both vomit *and* shit. It was splattered chunkily all over the dogs themselves, the pillows and blankets, and the surrounding floor and walls. I was already stressed out from dealing with my Mom, and hadn't been able to sleep very well. I'd removed the door from my Mom's bedroom, and despite my bleary attempt to block the doorway, a shit-splattered Loki bee-lined into her bed as soon as I let him out of the crate, which is not the sort of indignity my Mom really needs right now. Once I got the crate outside, the floor somewhat cleaned, and the dogs triaged, I went back to bed. I awoke after not enough sleep to the news that my rabbit, Pandora, had died in my absence. I can't claim to actually have *felt* anything because of this, as it's too abstract and non-immediate in light of my other emotional bullshit. I'd just gotten done dosing her twice a day for the last 30 days for a bad head tilt. She initially had seemed a lot better, but near the end was getting worse. I *did* feed her yogurt before and after the antibiotics to re-populate her intestinal flora. I unhappy about not getting to see the body, because I've found it's very therapeutic to cry over the body, and I can't always get to tears if I never see it. I'm sure it will be different for my dogs.
The two major stressors, besides simply being around my Mom in a bad mood, are guilt over not doing enough to help her and discussions about my career change, which we've agreed not to talk about anymore during this visit. Although dealing with the inner reality of these feelings is fucking awful, it's useful because I'm more self-aware than I've ever been before, I can see the dynamics as they happen, and I have a lot of other tools available to help work on myself. I also have a better ability to set boundaries when I need to, and my Mom has some degree of receptiveness. My relationship with my Mom is at the heart of most of my major emotional problems, and getting this kind of point-blank broadside is exactly the kind of thing that makes it easy to locate the specifics of the problem and act. I don't like the crushing guilt, but it sure makes it easy to connect to the feeling to work on with EFT/ESM or RC.
Mom *is* grateful for the help an apologetic about the fact that she needs so much of it, and I'm glad I'm in a position to help her in her time of need. She's busted her ass for me for her entire life, and I'll never be able to repay that debt, which is something I'll have to be ok with.
I'll probably be up here for most of this week, then I'll be coming back to Austin for Poly Big Fun. I'll come back up here for Mother's Day for a day or two, then head back to Austin for Flipside prep.
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*virtual hugs will have to do*
Remember too please, as best you can, to also take care of you, love.
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i hope the rest of your trip goes well, and the doggies feel better.
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I've added to my toolkit for dealing with crazy emotions over the years. I tried using ESM (http://www.amazon.com/Instant-Emotional-Healing-Acupressure-Emotions/dp/0767903935/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1240845792&sr=8-1) last night on my anger toward my mother, and it *really* worked. I don't claim to understand what it's doing -- it's definitely one of the more "voodoo" therapies I've learned, but it really seems to have the ability to take the wind out of the sails of traumatic emotional bullshit.
I also do Re-Evaluation Counseling, which is a peer-based counseling technique for free oneself from past negative emotional experiences. I find the two techniques work well together, because RC is really good at digging up old negative patterns and experiences one has blocked out, and ESM is good at popping the blister once you've found it.
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Talking about this online is helpful, because it all seems more genuinely crazy when I have to describe it to others.
I totally get this. When spending time with crazy people who have a consistent worldview if you accept the crazy premise they start from...it's SO easy to just accept whatever illusion as 'the way it is' and go from there.
It sounds like your dealing with this very well & I'm glad you're sticking with boundaries and making plans for Flipside and Big Fun, to take some you-time to recharge. Very admirable.
I'm sorry to hear about your rabbit. *hugs* for the sick doggies.
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They discuss a similar dynamic with abused women in Why Does He Do That, where their abuser is so good at warping reality to fit their crazy world view that the woman starts to believe it, too.
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If you live in it too long, get too used to it, it can stop seeming crazy. Have that particular dynamic with my mother's antics, as well.
Sending you positive vibes, dude.
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No, she really hasn't. There may have been ass busting for a little while before you were born, but otherwise it started when you were born, there were some easy spots along the way, and pretty much ended when you were out on your own and independent. Right now, she is probably not busting her ass for you. Indoctrination and guilt trips are rough, they tend to sneak in when you least expect them.
It sounds like there is plenty of AFOGs going on over there, but I'm sure you can handle it.
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Especially carrying my Mom...
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Yeah, I'd pay to see that. :P
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It can be hard to deal with a demanding mom, and with your own emotional growth at the same time. It looks like you're doing a great job dealing with everything on your plate.
Take care of yourself!
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What a crap time. I'm glad to hear that you've got some training and perspective on what's going on in emotional dynamics, so it can't overwhelm you the way it would if you were blindly on the defensive 24/7. That'll help in the long term, but it still sucks now. Hope things continue to improve between you 2, and that you make it back home to the sane(r) streets of Austin soon.
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Thank you!
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