Adventures in Flooring
Dec. 30th, 2008 02:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
errantemberI kind of thought putting in the bamboo flooring I've had sitting in my house for two years would kinda go like this:
1) Cover floor with vapor barrier
2) Glue in a plank
3) Make a cut where necessary
4) Repeat
Instead it's gone somewhat more like this:
1) Cover floor with vapor barrier
2) Notice planks are not even remotely flat
3) Try to put them in anyway
4) See big cracks between warped planks
5) Swear
6) Try to fill in cracks with glue.
7) Swear some more
8) Hit things with rubber mallet, some of which involve installing the floor
9) Have the job stalled for three days due to the presence of my Mother and her hyper-yappy miniature Jack Russel Terrier "Wiggles"
9.5) Cook 70% of Christmas dinner by myself
10) Try using plane to smooth of uneven edges of wood
11) Discover plane doesn't quite take off all the wood
11.5) Get bamboo splinter
12) Swear
13) Try using sander block to smooth wood
14) Successfully smooth wood
15) Discover I have also successfully smoothed hole in vapor barrier
16) Swear profusely
17) Patch hole with duct tape
18) Discover smoothing of edge still doesn't result in clear line and no cracks
19) Curse
20) Push the boundaries of calculus-level trigonometry trying to figure out how the fuck to cut the transition between the bamboo and vinyl flooring
21) Create perfectly engineered transition, a Miracle to Behold
22) Discover problem with Miracle because vinyl floor edge, like most of the rest of the house, isn't square
23) Swear
24) Take a break. Hit something.
25) Stub toe on unfinished floor
26) Swear
27) Realize the only way to get a crack-free, straight installation with Really Warped Boards is to re-cut every single fucking board to the same measurement.
There are *hundreds* of boards. Hundreds.
28) Try first row with new technique, which is cutting a little off the groove-end of each board to make sure they are all *exactly* the same width. It looks pretty good.
29) Add second row. It's not the same width, even though it has to be, since they were all cut without moving the fence on the saw. Also notice that the second row tongue now stick out too far to fully fit into the grooves, a problem that will double the amount of cutting necessary to finish the floor.
Hundreds.
30) Swear
31) Discover that since the tongues of the board, which press against the fence of the table saw, are not all the same length. Result? Not all of the boards I so painstakingly cut to be *exactly* the same width are the same width.
32) Beat a random vagrant to death with lead pipe after first giving him $20 for Christmas. Hide the body under piles of bamboo flooring boxes. Giggle.
33) Develop a new technique of *ensuring* the part of the board that actually *shows* is *exactly* the same width, which, instead of requiring every single board to be cut twice at a given, pre-set width, requires every single board to be *measured* and cut twice.
34) Write long diatribe on LJ
35) Go to fucking bed
1) Cover floor with vapor barrier
2) Glue in a plank
3) Make a cut where necessary
4) Repeat
Instead it's gone somewhat more like this:
1) Cover floor with vapor barrier
2) Notice planks are not even remotely flat
3) Try to put them in anyway
4) See big cracks between warped planks
5) Swear
6) Try to fill in cracks with glue.
7) Swear some more
8) Hit things with rubber mallet, some of which involve installing the floor
9) Have the job stalled for three days due to the presence of my Mother and her hyper-yappy miniature Jack Russel Terrier "Wiggles"
9.5) Cook 70% of Christmas dinner by myself
10) Try using plane to smooth of uneven edges of wood
11) Discover plane doesn't quite take off all the wood
11.5) Get bamboo splinter
12) Swear
13) Try using sander block to smooth wood
14) Successfully smooth wood
15) Discover I have also successfully smoothed hole in vapor barrier
16) Swear profusely
17) Patch hole with duct tape
18) Discover smoothing of edge still doesn't result in clear line and no cracks
19) Curse
20) Push the boundaries of calculus-level trigonometry trying to figure out how the fuck to cut the transition between the bamboo and vinyl flooring
21) Create perfectly engineered transition, a Miracle to Behold
22) Discover problem with Miracle because vinyl floor edge, like most of the rest of the house, isn't square
23) Swear
24) Take a break. Hit something.
25) Stub toe on unfinished floor
26) Swear
27) Realize the only way to get a crack-free, straight installation with Really Warped Boards is to re-cut every single fucking board to the same measurement.
There are *hundreds* of boards. Hundreds.
28) Try first row with new technique, which is cutting a little off the groove-end of each board to make sure they are all *exactly* the same width. It looks pretty good.
29) Add second row. It's not the same width, even though it has to be, since they were all cut without moving the fence on the saw. Also notice that the second row tongue now stick out too far to fully fit into the grooves, a problem that will double the amount of cutting necessary to finish the floor.
Hundreds.
30) Swear
31) Discover that since the tongues of the board, which press against the fence of the table saw, are not all the same length. Result? Not all of the boards I so painstakingly cut to be *exactly* the same width are the same width.
32) Beat a random vagrant to death with lead pipe after first giving him $20 for Christmas. Hide the body under piles of bamboo flooring boxes. Giggle.
33) Develop a new technique of *ensuring* the part of the board that actually *shows* is *exactly* the same width, which, instead of requiring every single board to be cut twice at a given, pre-set width, requires every single board to be *measured* and cut twice.
34) Write long diatribe on LJ
35) Go to fucking bed
