I *have* met people who derived great happiness from the idea of double-entry bookkeeping, and even people who enjoy the *reality* of it, but I get your point. I have enough trouble keeping *one* set of books. :)
I agree it's all about the practice, which varies hugely from group to group. One of my main complaints, though, is the fact that the sales pitch (this being the idea) our society puts forward as the Ideal Relationship Style is, in fact, what most people think they're signing up for, not the reality. One of the best quotes I've ever heard about relationships (of any kind) is from Deborah Anapol. I can't find it at the moment, but paraphrase is that "loving relationships take a huge amount of work, self-awareness, and patience, and even when do you do all those things sometimes they don't go like you want them to." I agree with her sentiment that such advise should be the main message we're sending out, rather than our current batch of bias.
I realized a long time ago that I *was* trying to do more with my loving relationships than just bring happiness to myself and my partners, and it definitely colors my view on the entire subject. I am, in fact, trying to shift the world in what I see is a more positive direction by proving it's possible to be really happy having multiple-long term sexual partners, raising kids in that environment, etc. And while I wouldn't be pursing this path personally if I didn't think it would lead to my own happiness, there are times when I've made choices that are better for The Cause than they are for me, and will continue to do so when I think it's worth it. Naturally that's my own cross to bear.
I both agree that most relationships that look like they magically work probably are the result of a lot of behind-the-scenes hard work. Another old friend of mine is very fond of the whole "gold/silver/brass" relationship model, with qualities of result being related to the amount of work for each metal. And while I think he's full of shit, it's not because he's wrong, it's because he's wrong 99.9% of the time. I *do* think there are fantastic (gold) relationships where the people involved really *don't* have to work that much at it, by some coincidence of parenting, training, personality, etc, etc. And even if there aren't, most people's expectation about the realistic boundaries of human experience in relationships are grossly skewed, and that skewing is the source of many relationship problems. If there's one thing I think the poly community does better than the mono community, it's facing those realities head-on rather than trying to sweep them under the rug. It's something I'm grateful for, personally, because I tend to hide from problems rather than face them, and being unable to stop myself from being brutally beaten about the face with them helps me get past them. I view the currently dominant monogamous model as something that tries to shield people from realities. And I don't think that any model of relationships that requires institutionalization of denial is sustainable. And it wasn't until I read Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits that I realized the most simple summary of my problems with the way most relationships I saw were structured -- they weren't sustainable for a huge portion of the human population. And for a model that's being sold as the *most* sustainable, that's a Big Problem.
On the other hand, there are times when I'm dealing with some kind of borderline-might-be-false positive from some STD test somewhere in my extended circle, or people I really love moving out of town to pursue their dreams, when only having one partner sounds pretty keen. :)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2009-06-03 04:46 am (UTC)I agree it's all about the practice, which varies hugely from group to group. One of my main complaints, though, is the fact that the sales pitch (this being the idea) our society puts forward as the Ideal Relationship Style is, in fact, what most people think they're signing up for, not the reality. One of the best quotes I've ever heard about relationships (of any kind) is from Deborah Anapol. I can't find it at the moment, but paraphrase is that "loving relationships take a huge amount of work, self-awareness, and patience, and even when do you do all those things sometimes they don't go like you want them to." I agree with her sentiment that such advise should be the main message we're sending out, rather than our current batch of bias.
I realized a long time ago that I *was* trying to do more with my loving relationships than just bring happiness to myself and my partners, and it definitely colors my view on the entire subject. I am, in fact, trying to shift the world in what I see is a more positive direction by proving it's possible to be really happy having multiple-long term sexual partners, raising kids in that environment, etc. And while I wouldn't be pursing this path personally if I didn't think it would lead to my own happiness, there are times when I've made choices that are better for The Cause than they are for me, and will continue to do so when I think it's worth it. Naturally that's my own cross to bear.
I both agree that most relationships that look like they magically work probably are the result of a lot of behind-the-scenes hard work. Another old friend of mine is very fond of the whole "gold/silver/brass" relationship model, with qualities of result being related to the amount of work for each metal. And while I think he's full of shit, it's not because he's wrong, it's because he's wrong 99.9% of the time. I *do* think there are fantastic (gold) relationships where the people involved really *don't* have to work that much at it, by some coincidence of parenting, training, personality, etc, etc. And even if there aren't, most people's expectation about the realistic boundaries of human experience in relationships are grossly skewed, and that skewing is the source of many relationship problems. If there's one thing I think the poly community does better than the mono community, it's facing those realities head-on rather than trying to sweep them under the rug. It's something I'm grateful for, personally, because I tend to hide from problems rather than face them, and being unable to stop myself from being brutally beaten about the face with them helps me get past them. I view the currently dominant monogamous model as something that tries to shield people from realities. And I don't think that any model of relationships that requires institutionalization of denial is sustainable. And it wasn't until I read Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits that I realized the most simple summary of my problems with the way most relationships I saw were structured -- they weren't sustainable for a huge portion of the human population. And for a model that's being sold as the *most* sustainable, that's a Big Problem.
On the other hand, there are times when I'm dealing with some kind of borderline-might-be-false positive from some STD test somewhere in my extended circle, or people I really love moving out of town to pursue their dreams, when only having one partner sounds pretty keen. :)
None of it is easy for 99.5% of us.