I second the bleh.

[errantember]

I realized I was dealing with some pretty poignant negative feelings in the past few minutes, and when I sat down to do some stream-of-consciousness writing about it, I realized I actually *do* have quite a bit on my plate right now. I'm feeling pretty lonely and sad, and a lot of is connected to stuff that's been with me for a long time. I don't think that any of it will end up being a long-term problem emotionally, at least not any worse than before, and likely, in the long term, better.

That doesn't change the fact that I feel that way now.

The additional fact that my Mom, asleep not 10 feet away, might potentially be a source of comfort throws things into sharp relief. The idea that she might be a source of comfort is something that only occurred to me on an abstract, intellectual level, like someone looking for something absorbent when a cup of coffee has been spilled. The fact that there is an emotional void there is telling, and definitely at the root of many of my difficulties connecting with other people, particularly women. Help is so close, yet so far away, and it's my own decision, not the unwillingness of others to help, that's denying it. And I know, at least at this point, that I won't change my mind.

Comments

[austingoddess.livejournal.com]

*offered hugs*

[errantember.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[kitty-smack.livejournal.com]

Wow, what a surprise to see you write about this. Why do you know that you won't change your mind? Is it one of those 'my fears keep me safe' things?

If it helps, I have all the confidence that you could change your mind if you wanted to and not only would it be ok, it would be better than you could imagine.

[errantember.livejournal.com]

It sort of is a 'my fears keep me safe.' My Mom came to me for emotional support during and after her divorce from my Dad that she should have gone to an adult for. While there was nothing sexual involved (that I remember) it's something they've discovered has a lot of the same emotional symptoms as sexual abuse. I really wanted her affection, but I was afraid of it because it was hurting me, and I've never solved that problem as an adult. There's a big emotional void in between me and her that I'm only not starting to get through. I'm making progress, which is good. On the other hand, the only real way to discuss it with her is to make her look like some kind of monster when all she was trying to do to keep me and her afloat during very hard times, and I'm not going to dump that on her simply for my own benefit. I have to find a way to get through the barrier without really discussing that openly.

The other problem is that many of the things that are currently causing my emotional blues are things I either don't want her to know about at all, or things she doesn't approve of. There's no way to get sympathy without judgment, and that makes the sympathy not worth it. Any way you slice it real emotional connection with her is very hard to get without her poisoning it somehow. And the fact that it's not deliberate doesn't really change the fact that that's true.

I did an ESM treatment regarding her on guilt and on anger, and both produced some pretty noticeable results. And often when you deal with the major surface feelings you have toward someone, you find out that underneath is something else. I think the next thing for me with her is grief. I haven't done that treatment yet, but my gut feeling is that that's what's going on. Getting past the anger and the guilt has gotten me closer, which rocks, but I think I'm gonna have to get through the grief to take the next step.

[kitty-smack.livejournal.com]

It's good that at least you know what you need to work on. So, it sounds like you want to deal with your 'Mom' issues so you can have deeper connections with others. You feel you've made progress, but not enough and you don't feel you can talk to your Mom about it and you can't talk to her about other stuff and....yeah...stressful, huh?

I know your mom and I know she loves you very much and only wants you to be happy. No, she'd doesn't approve of some things, but that's because she doesn't think that stuff is in your best interest (right or wrong). Yes, she did a number on you after your dad left. Just remember, she did the best she could. She didn't set out to hurt you. I know that doesn't help a whole bunch, but maybe a little?

The grief stuff sounds like a good thing to look into. Since you didn't have the traditional Parent/Child relationship, that leaves a void. And like death, it something you may have to mourn. After you mourn that loss, you can then create a new adult child/parent relationship. I've seen people who suffered way worse than you that were able to re-establish a connection with a parent.

Hang in there, Mister. You're on the right track.

[errantember.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I hear the right track for you lead out of Flipside before the end. Sorry you had a bad time.

[kitty-smack.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I sure did. I was emotionally and physically exhausted before I got out to Flat Creek. I was hoping Flipside would help me 'reboot'. No such luck. I just wasn't in the spirit and didn't want to bring others down when they were having fun. So, I came home and am still 'rebooting'. Feeling much better though. Thanks!